01:25 pm I'm not sure what caused me to come back here. Last night I sat up until 2 am reading all of these entries and... I felt a little bit neurotic afterward I went from crying to feeling embarrassed to laughter, excitement and amazement. I had just relived 5 years of my life in such a short period of time and I felt exhausted afterward. For about two years I was really starting to doubt myself and after this I saw that my personal development was still going on I just was so used to documenting it that I forgot that even if I can't reflect back on my life in text, that doesn't mean that change is not taking place.
I am so relieved that I came out of all of this okay. I was really reckless...I could have fallen to addiction, gotten pregnant, failed out of college, gotten in a car accident I mean...seriously WOW I am so lucky that I somehow came out of this a fairly decent and chill adult.
While I am shocked at the amount of dumb decisions I made, it appears that I had a great deal of fun making them so I really can't say that I regret any of this.
As of lately, I'm going through another big change. Bobby and I bought a house together and are going pretty strong with our relationship but for the next few months he will be in Kentucky and I am going to use this time to squash this life long battle of co-dependence I apparently know so well. After last night I felt reunited with a part of myself that I've buried with the anxieties of adulthood for the past few years. I lost sight of that sense of timelessness and self love that I used to embrace as a teenager. As I fell asleep last night I felt comfortable sleeping alone. I didn't need melatonin...I had the most vivid dreams and when I woke there was not my usual pang of anxiousness and dread I felt comfortable on my own, a whole person.
The light shimmers through these fall leaves through my blinds dancing across my face I stretch and admire my body-what seems like endless smooth hills of fleshy ivory with the occasional freckle and mole. I've slept for years here McKinney so sleepy, quiet and beautiful who would have thought I would open my eyes here? Something begins to pull on my limbs some thrust of life that is desperately trying to usher me back into this familiar consciousness The swirls of colors and patterns- it would have been impossible for me to hide her forever Her childish smile, her hair blowing in her face Her laughter woke me and I realized she was never the enemy, how I love her I embrace her along with this new version of self I have acquired It's time to become whole again, to remember and to move forward as one Suddenly, I start to see that the sky outside is inviting rather than intimidating. The trees need climbing and the grass if for laying and rolling about. All this time she talked about leaving to somewhere far away only to awaken and realize everything she loves is right here. Colors of greens, blues and yellows, elephant sculptures and peacock feathers, cats, backyards and overstuffed couches, pumpkins and the smell of fall when she opens the door- this all comes in a rush. We are awake! Current Mood: happy
01:12 pm - Writer's Block: If at first you don't succeed... Last night I took a walk around the lake outside of my apartment. I don't understand why people who live on a ground floor don't close their mini blinds and curtains it's like they're putting themselves on display for the rest of the world.
Though, weirdly enough I'm not complaining I actually enjoy it. It's like looking into little shadow boxes. I used to think apartment complexes were so ugly but I'm starting to learn that they're incredibly interesting places to be at night. I honestly don't think I passed by a room that looked similar to another. I could hear dirrerent kinds of noises a children's show, a Jazz record, someone playing the piano, a group of friends singing along to cheesy R&B songs. I could see different pieces of furniture and posters. I particularly love rooms that are just littered with little knick knacks. I want to collect all of these little things It feels so bizzare to have so many different people's worlds stacked on top of and around your own but seeing all the other little households come alive at night gives me a sense of security.
There's one that really stood out in my mind last night. I was actually so interested in this shadow box that I stood maybe two feet away from the window and watched. This apartment was well decorated but at the same time a little over decorated things like flower vases, paintings of generic lanscapes like the ones you'd see at a doctor's office and over-stuffed sofas made up the living room. A man sat in the middle of the room. Though, for how many sofas he owned he wasn't using them instead he was sitting on a bright red yoga ball. He wasn't exercising he was actually playing a video game. I'm actually pretty sure he was playing Zelda. There was no one else in the room and though he seemed comfortable he was wearing a suit and tie as though he had just gotten off work and didn't even bother to change he just rushed home to play his video game. He couldn't have been younger than 50 he was almost completely bald what little hair he had left was white he wore glasses that looked too tight on his face because he had such a round head. He was also pretty good at his video game. He had no real facial expressions that sttod out to me his face just seemed like a blank stare toward the screen. He didn't see me or hear me laughing two feet away from him I'm sure he was as wrapped up in the world of Zelda as I was spying on him. I wondered if he was even married maybe his wife was asleep in the other room she just didn't know what to do about his Zelda obsession or maybe he was divorced or maybe he never married. But his apartment was decorated so girly...well masybe his sister decorated his apartment or he might just have feminine taste I don't think he'd be gay becuase I think his suit would've looked a bit more polished and I doubt those doctor's office type landscapes would be hanging up.
And that's how it happened one of my most favorite characters isn't someone I made up. It's someone that left his mini blinds open. Close your blinds, you might end up in a stranger's book.
errrg. I don't know how I feel about livejournal still.
There's just something about it six years later and I'm still typing on this thing.
A lot has happened and I'm pretty happy with how everything has turned out so far. Things are about to get a lot better but I'll elaborate later I don't want to speak too soon.
I've been trying little things out like eating bacon on my sandwiches and calling my parents for no reason at all...haha little things that I never would have done in the past. I'm not so stubborn anymore but still particular or "choosy" is what mom calls it.
My parents cleaned out my old room and I found a bunch of things that I had completely forgotten about so my new project is going to be me trying to connect with old friends. It might be fun and disappointing at the same time. I don't know how I will find time to do this. Hm, who knows.
09:58 am We decided against the beach because it would be a drain on our money. We're about to leave to Texas today instead. Best friends, free place to stay...free gas...free food. Why go anywhere else?! Oh wait...I'm moving there in a few months.I think that...
Though, if they attempt to run you into the ground, don't hesitate to tell them how you feel about it. Why hold back? They aren't even the same person you knew anyway.
I guess I'm what you would call a "passionate" person. I'll be an entirely loyal friend. I don't judge my friends I defend them as I would myself. Though, this doesn't leave me open to being a doormat. If one begins to judge me and talk down to me as though I'm not their equal after awhile I'm not going to be so friendly anymore. I'll judge them in return. They probably won't like what I have to say because everyone has things about themselves that are wrong/stupid/weird/creepy to others. That's what makes being human interesting and that's why I love my friends with all their flaws included.
That is, until they begin to single me out and act as though they have no flaws in comparison to me.
I don't owe anyone a thing. I'm here just the same as everybody else. If one is going to go out of their way to be a cunt to me what makes them think that I'll put up with it and not react to them as a cunt would?
02:24 pm I work at the movies. I'm pale and skinny and bleeding out of my cunt right now. I have three exams and an essay due on Valentine's day. "Valentine's day is oppressive!" -my English teacher (she's probably right) Though, that doesn't make me immune to participating in gay February 14th activity.
Bobby's birthday is on the 27th and I have no idea what I'm going to do or what to get him or how much it's going to cost.
When is the sun going to shine?
Dale moved into the apartments with an indoor pool. I plan on going swimming this weekend! ....and watching a free movie (Pans Labyrinth preferably) and eating free popcorn and buying warm clothes because I live in a goddamn Kentucky ice patch.
Other than that I'll be holed up in the apartment studying about shit like seizures and Hinduism.
02:28 pm The cold makes me frustrated to be alive. I HATE the cold. I don't care if it involves snuggling or cool looking coats. I hate snow it's wet and it causes wrecks and it's a goddamn pain in the ass. I can't run around outside so it makes me feel fat. I get so pale that I start to see my complexion for what it is: A European mutation. I hate getting out of bed in the morning because I detest the weather that much. I hate that Bobby has to have the fan on at night. I hate the electricity bill. I hate that empty almost painful feeling when your feet step onto the cold bathroom tile. It makes everyone drive and act like a jackass. I just don't understand why the world should get as cold as it does. Can't we just section off canada to grow snow peas and pansies and leave antartica be and the rest of the world could just be a moderate/comfortable temperature?! I hate how eveyone's walking around bundled up to where they look like fat ugly little puff balls of doom. I do however like when I get so pale and so cold that I see the little veiny blue lines across my tits. Though I don't like the cold shivering feeling that comes with it. I also hate how it makes my bones ache. How I feel like my blood is too thin. I fell like I have a defecieny. I feel how dead people look. I hate looking like a running puff ball of doom across campus or even from the parking lot to the grocery store. I like being able to walk around outside and enjoy the weather not run from it. I hate how there's no point in painting my toenails during the winter. I hate not being naked. Current Mood: cold
10:34 pm New Year's yaaaaayy! I miss them already...
I'm going through a phase where I really just don't like this journal anymore. Probably because it's been years or maybe it's because I'm too old to be keeping one or because this one consists of getting to read about people I know getting more old and even more lame/judgemental. I think I'm going to stick with xanga for awhile to avoid that and because one of the only people that I want to read my thoughts has a xanga anyway (Trina).
I just found out that i don't have to take my sociology exam either. Two A's and three left to go. Appalachian studies had a take home exam that I spent 8 straight hours on while eating that convient store speed type stuff the whole time. So no exam there and from as far as I know that's another A. Then there's women's studies which all I have to do for that finalm is write two essays and turn them in on like Wednesday. Though that cunt has it out for me so I'm not going to expect anything awesome so we'll just call that a B until I go down to the OHM society and get her to adjust how she's been grading me. So that leaves me with one exam! Political Science. I don't ever go to that class! So there's no telling what I'm going to get! Yeah!
But I'm stoked. Even though I have a few essays to do here and there I can focus pretty much this whole next week on studying for it so I can get a decent test grade. I honestly doubt there's any way I'll get an A in that class. Though, maybe I'll get a high B? Current Mood: STOKED
06:49 pm Some nights she slept in cars and others she slept on a mattress in the garage of whatever house we had during that time period. Some nights she would alternte and stay at the homeless shelter. Before that she slept on our fold out sofa and before that was when she had her own bed and I lived there with her. My first best friend, Sally. Before her illness took over She called me "Kiddo" and "Little bit." She wore black and white polk-a-dot things with frills and she shared her big floppy hats with me. We would build sheet tents with her wicker furniture and eat ramen noodles (the only thing I would eat without havng to be force fed). As her paranoia set in right before she lost her job and eventually her apartment, she had little quirks. She was always scared someone was going to hurt me. She accused people of it constantly. She sat up all night by my side while I slept just in case anything might happen. When wed go swimming I would have to wear a swimsuit with an inner tube built in it while also wearing my floaties just in case I might drown. When we went to the mall or even the grocery store she had my wrist fastened to a child's leash just in case someone might try to run through a crowd of people and snatch me up. When she moved in with us she was finally diagnosed with schizophrenia but refused to be medicated. When my mom went to work she would leave me with Sally which I was happy about because she was the only grown up I ever really liked being around. Though, she thought my kindergarten class was a part of a government conspiracy. So, while my mom went to work I didn't go to school. Me and my grandmother would go on random adventures. By time I was six years old I didn't know the names of the different shapes or how to add or even how to spell my last name. Instead I was taught that strangers will decapitate you and that cats know a lot more about the world than people think and that Scarlett O'Hara was the most beautiful fictional character ever created and that mermaids do exist but probably just off the coast of Greece and the world just isn't looking hard enough for them. We didn't have much money during this time period and my mom caught on when she found out that I failed kindergarten that something wasn't quite right. Sally kept turning off the refrigerator claiming that it yelled obsceneties at her which would spoil all our food when we didn't have the money to constatntly replace our groceries. After endless fights between the two Sally got kicked out.That's when I stopped talking for awhile. When she slept in the garage I would get up sometimes and go sleep next to her. When she was reduced to the car she wouldn't let me go outside. Someone might kidnap me if I were running around outside in the dark she'd say. When we moved to Flower Mound everyone started to notice the old lady living in front of our house in a little red Yugo that no longer worked. They all started to talk. My mother grew more and more humiliated. Soon, she denied her own mother. She told her "you can't stay here, we're towing the car." After thirty years of being a single mother working three jobs to support my mom Sally was suddenly homeless with nothing to show for it. Over time she got early retirement. She tried many jobs but her illness caused her to quit or sometimes even get fired. She has an apartment now and on occcasion she'll send me a letter. Every letter says "Thinking of you. Love, Wren." I don't know who Wren is or what Wren means. I wonder if she remembers me when she was the only person I'd talk to. When I see her on holidays I can tell that she has lapses. Her illness is the dominant personalty she sits on the porch smoking cigarette after cigarette talking to the air. She can't even hear us when we ask her questions. It takes so much to bring her back to earth. Though, sometimes I'll ask her a question like remember when we used to have teaparties in Carrolton? or that time you took me to the circus and I was scared the whole time? And she'll laugh and it's not her weird monotone voice for a moment. It's actually her! Sometimes she'll reflect back on those memories with me and I'll actually be with Sally again for sometimes even an hour. I love talkign to her during those lapses but at the same time it hurts so much because I can actually hear her fading back out and her tone changes and then she starts talking to something else and then she can't hear me anymore.
11:46 pm I'm actually excited to do this. I'm not sure why but I've always liked looking back on memories that stand out in my mind but really don't seem all that significant. I've always wanted them in text. To others this will probably be a real...blast. Haha. You can skip over me on the friends page now, all my shit will most likely make no sense.
My first memory ever started in the Konovalski house. the stippicks were in town from Austin and I'm pretty sure all the cousins were there. Everyone was outside and a lot of the kids were crowded around the tree in the front yard. I'm pretty sure a lot of them were trying to climb it. Carolann was playing underneath it and she had some sort of little action figure that looked like a rabbit wearing a jogging suit. Looking back it was probably a toy that resembled the hare from the tortise and the hare. I tried to take it from her to get a better look at it. She coaxed it away from me and convinced me that if she didn't hold onto it that it would run away. She was holding it in one hand and jamming twigs into the dirt in the other. She had me completely confused. The rabbit was plastic it obviously wasn't real. How could it run away? i tried to help her with the twigs but she pushed me out of the way and explained that she was building it a cage and I could help her place the toy rabbit in the cage when she was done so that it wouldn't jog away. During this time I started to play along. We were pretending together. I don't think I had ever gotten the concept of pretending something was when it wasn't until that moment. If it were a real bunny I would fear that it might run away. If it were a toy I would leave it in the dirt and walk away. All up until that moment ofcourse. Carolann convinced me that the hare in the jogging suit had aspirations to run away from the Konovalski house and we had to stop him. So I placed twigs over the little cage she made to make sure that he wouldn't hop over. After that I remember pretending all the time with her. That the play tunnel in her old living room was really a swamp and we weren't people but ducks. That we were princesses in the Konovalski house and the back room was a castle. I even felt my first stab of jealousy with carolann on christmas when she got a princess dress-up set and I got a creepy life size mickey mouse pull string doll. We were two weeks apart and she was probably the first kid I ever came into contact with. Though we're cousins, we were close when we were little but we grew apart pretty fast. No matter how different we are and have been for quite some time she's the first person I remember for some reason and her influence on me was always more like a big sister.
My second memory involved my mom and dad. I was throwing a tantrum because my mom wouldn't let me wear my swimsuit. "It's October!" she kept yelling. After awhile she picked me up and carried me outside. My dad was sitting on the front steps there was a girl from next door who had a hula hoop and a tea set and she looked happy but I was pissed. My dad kept trying to get me to play with her. I had played with her many times before but I didn't feel like it. I tried to tell dad that she wouldn't let me wear my swimsuit but he didn't seem like he knew what was going on or maybe he was playing dumb and just kept handing me plastic cups and plates from the girl's teaset. As we sat outside I eventually started to play with her. There were kids from another townhouse down the street who were having a birthday party or something and they all started running out into the yard where we were playing. They soon organized a game of hide and go seek and I agreed to play under the condition that I get to be on my dad's shoulders. That way no one could tag me. We were running from everyone and I think the kids got a kick out of my dad playing too so everyone started chasing him at once. After awhile I think they got bored of it and started to play amongst themselves again. We kept running. Our townhouses had this dark courtyard that I was scared of but i insisted we go there becuase he was there and I guess I got a thrill out of it. There was an old raggidy looking mop hanging over someone's balcony in the courtyard. It looked like a dead sesame street character. I kept pointing and yelling at it "Monster! Monster!" my dad didn't understand what I was yelling at but he started to yell monster with me.
Those are my first two ever...and I've always thought about them a lot. I'm not going to have some crazy timeline of pointless memories but I wanted to get the first two in order at least. Current Mood: awake
09:36 pm I want to get better. I haven't ever really wanted that until recently. I'm going to make a point to not use this thing for talking about silly stuff. No more run throughs on my day haha I'm sure that won't be missed. Instead, I'm going to try to make every post both good and bad memories of mine in an attempt to trace back why I even have this problem. I'm giving myself three months at the most and if I haven't improved I promised myself that I'll have to go see someone. I've gone to therapy in the past but I never mentioned my real problem I usually just got subscribed shit for depression and anxiety and was sent on my way. Like I posted before this is my only personal secret and I'm still not even sure how I'll feel once I don't have it anymore. I'm not doing this for attention, I don't want to offend anyone or gross anyone out. I've tried personal journals for years but I've learned that they really don't work for me. I'm fine with being judged after this. I'm comfortable enough to know that everyone has things to hide and people are generally quick to judge others before they evaluate themselves.
Since before I can remember I've picked myself into pieces. Haha, I'm not being emo or speaking metaphorically I literally pick my skin until it bleeds and then I pick the scabs and I never let the stuff heal. I have wounds for months and sometimes years and then they eventually turn into smooth little pink scars. On the outside, others might see me as a pretty young girl because there's really no trace of the wounds. That's because it all begins with my head...mentally and physically. I scratch and pick my scalp into pieces. I think it's become that way so that no one can really see my problem. I daily mutate myself without altering the way I look to others...and I have no idea why. I don't know if its brought on by frustration it might be because sometimes when I get upset I claw at myself more than usual but then again that might not be it either because sometimes on good days I just want to shut myself in the bathroom and claw away at myself.
Other than me having this problem there's really been no consequence to it yet. I have some scar tissue from picking for over ten years but my hair seems to grow just as much as it always has and I often get compliments on how it looks so I feel like I hide myself well. It's like a curtain or something...It's obviously sick that's why I want to fix this before something bad happens. I feel like if I can get past this and get over myself then I'll be allowing myself to mature as a human being. I don't want to have this when I'm 21. I don't want to wish that I could just pick at myself while I'm in class...how can I ever have kids when I keep putting myself in these disgusting circumstances for no reason at all?
Though I'm lucky that I'm good at cutting and coloring my own hair. That's why I don't go to salons I don’t want anyone to see it and gross out. I used to freak when my mom would schedule hair appointments for me for school dances.
The first time I remember doing this was when I was about 3 or 4. I hated my belly button and I had no idea why. I would pick at it until it bled and bled and turn into a scab. I hated the scabs worse they were ugly and felt weird so I would constantly pick them open. My mom noticed and she was really weirded out she would put band aids over it and I would rip them off and keep picking at myself. It went on for a long time and she cried about it and literally had to monitor me every few minutes and punish me when I wouldn't let it heal. Though from what I was told this wasn't the first sign of my stubbornness. As an infant I almost starved myself to death...again, for no reason at all or at least according to the doctors. They had to put me in the hospital and feed me through IVs. According to my mom I had to stay longer than usual because on many occasions I would rip the IVs out of my arms so I would have to be held down. As I got older I didn't eat much and was forced to at every meal making dinner time a dramatic and dreaded experience for my parents. They used to have to buy national geographic magazines and hold up pictures of starving children so that I would feel guilty for having uneaten food in front of me. For awhile that was the only thing that could make me eat. At that point it was passed off as anorexia but as I reflect back on when I was younger and even now I don't think that's what the problem is. I was weirdly stubborn with other things too. I didn’t like going to the bathroom so I refused to go. I would go for days without going near the toilet until I could barley hold it. My parents had to start punishing me for things as silly as not eating and not taking a crap. Then came my fear of drowning in the bathtub which came when I was at least seven years old. My mom would have to hold me in the bathtub while I would scream like I was being murdered when it was time to wash my hair. The neighbors even complained and came to me personally asking if my mother abused me. From this entry one might think I was a horrible child but that wasn’t what I was all about when I was little and my parents just thought I was a weird kid with a lot of quirks who just needed to eat a sandwich more often. When I was sent to baby sitter’s houses and daycare my anxiety started. I barley talked to anyone and I hated almost everyone. I didn’t speak to strangers in full sentences until I was around 12 or 13 and up until this past year I still couldn’t approach a stranger and ask them for something…I couldn’t even order food by myself in the drive thru. With the help of both legal and illegal drugs I’ve gotten better at dealing with the world…except when I pick.
I hated my scalp and my hair when I was in elementary school. One of the kids in my class had head lice and I got it. My mom freaked out because my hair was so long. She had to throw away all my bedding and stuffed animals and wash my hair with awful smelling shampoo (all while I screamed bloody murder of course) then we would sit in the bathroom for hours and she would comb it all out of my hair while I cried. We moved a lot and I got it again at another school so I confirmed that I hated my hair. Then in about the fourth grade I woke up one night and itched my head and I felt a rash on my scalp I screamed and woke everyone up my mom took me to the doctor for it and it was just some dumb childhood rash when kids get dry skin from the summer time and being out in the sun too much. It wasn’t a big deal at all but it bothered me more than anything had before and that’s when I started scratching holes into my head.
At first I hated something about myself. Then I just hated my head and for years I’ve been going through this phase where I accept what I do but I kind of hate myself for doing this to well, to myself. I felt embarrassed I didn’t want anyone to know that about me I was already humiliated that my mom knew. She used to make fun of me to try and get me to quit by calling me her future bald daughter but it didn’t work, I still picked.
I even went through a phase where I picked holes into the creases where my arms bend. I was about sixteen at the time and I had gotten my first modeling agent. He jumped down my throat when he saw them and completely humiliated me by telling me that airbrushing is expensive and I was going to make it impossible to get work at the rate I was going and my mom agreed. They bandaged my arms…I looked like a retard so I let them heal and kept picking at my head. No one would have to pay to get me airbrushed then.
It’s sick but I like picking them open and I like the stinging and I love the stinging feeling with warm water from the shower when I’m washing my hair. It’s so fucking gross and I’m ashamed…but I can’t help it I like it and I have no idea why. Though, while I’ve liked it all these years I still have a desire to get away from it. I was in about the 6th grade and on vacation with the Konovalski’s at South Padre when they first all healed. It must have been the salt water. When I first realized it I was in the swimming pool and I remember smiling and laughing to myself and doing backstrokes up and down the pool I was so relieved and so fucking happy that it was gone. But not even a month later I scratched my head open again and again I have not the slightest idea why.
Since I was little I’ve overcome a lot. I weighed 98 pounds for a straight 5 years and then as my senior year in high school approached I decided that I liked eating and I weigh a good 125 now and I eat all the time which causes me to crap and I don’t have a problem doing that either now…haha I even take a shower everyday and I don’t fear drowning anymore. I stopped picking my arms when other people made me and after that I didn’t go back to it. If I can overcome all the other retorted stuff that’s supposed to come naturally to other people I’m sure that I can get to the root of this problem and stop mutilating my own fucking scalp. I finally told Bobby and I thought he would just gross out but instead he’s helping me. He makes me do dumb stuff like wear gloves and yells stop really loud if he ever sees me doing it to startle me and so I can think about what I’m doing. It’s helped a little and he’s genuinely trying to help me and I guess that and me actually wanting to get better is all I really need.
I feel so much better that this isn’t going to be a secret anymore. In a few months if my full efforts don’t do anything I’ll have to get help…I’ve accepted that and that’s been the hardest thing so far to know that I have to sit face to face with a stranger and physically SHOW them my problem. The rest of my entries aren’t going to be me talking about this or even ones that openly relate to this I’m just going to put a lot of memories stand out in my mind in text in an attempt to better figure myself out. Current Mood: relieved
10:52 pm first Thanksgiving in my life that I wasn't with anyone that I'm related to. I went to Bobby's family get together thing and it was neato. We played pictionary and me and Bobby's mom stomped ass. Then we came back to Lexington and had Thanksgiving with the roomates and played scattergories.
What is with Kentucky and board games?! Oh yeah! I ate meat! I ate meat I ate meat I ate meat! And it wasn't much like how I thought it would be. It was good but I remembered turkey being sooo awesome. I felt gross the whole time.
Finals coming up....bahahahahaa. hahaha ah ha. (anxiety giggles)
I officially worked at express for a week. That was fun (50% discount I'm decked out)I need another job. Dale me and Bobby are going to some job where you answer telephones and get paid a whole bunch for it. I'm going to place bets on all of us. I give dale a few days short of a month. I give myself 2-3 weeks and Bobby about oh maybe a month tops.
Mom's letting me take control of my account that has the rest of my loan money. Not a good idea. Needless to say, everyone is going to have a really cool christmas present from me and I'm going to be wearing awesome clothes and by March the account will probably be empty again...and I'll most likely be well dressed and homeless.
I'm getting more and more excited about going home for Christmas. I don't only want to party this year though. I want more time with my momma AND I want to go look at TWU in person. I'm pretty set that that's where I want to go next fall but I want to see for myself just in case I have to apply to UNT or UTD real quick. This week I've decided that my major is psychology and I'm going to stick with Texas schools while I'm an undergrad. I want to get my master's in another country. I don't know where yet. And I'm not all the way sure why I want to go to another country then. But for some reason not all the way known to me I do so that's what I plan on doing.
I want my friends to come with me. We can all live on a big boat. And drink mudslides and go dancing...in matching clothes...or at least color coordinated ones. And we'll take group pictures. And vacation to Florida in the summer and go skiing in the alps. We'll all have birkenstocks that reflect our personalitites. We'll go to college with our Lisa Frank school supplies and beat ugly kids up whenever we feel like it.
Oh my god. I don't have the slightest idea why I wrote any of the previous paragraph. I can't stop laughing. Why on earth would we beat up ugly people? I've never even been skiing and that's by choice! anyway,
Life is good. When I open my closet I got a lot to wear. When I open the fridge there's so many good things to eat. When I eat I don't feel guilty anymore. When I look in the mirror I usually get more naked so I can check myself out. Bobby's always with me so I always feel safe. School challenges me but I always do great and I have yet to take on more than I can handle. The kitten keeps me laughing...I keep myself laughing. I love Rachael and Dale and Amber and all the people that are amazing here. All I need now is Texas for awhile (and to turn 21)and everything will hopefully be close to perfect for a few years.
My intention for this entry was to post a secret. Well, I guess to not make it a secret anymore...After I do that I'll have nothing to hide anymore. But even in an internet blog it's going to take more courage then I thought. Maybe in a few days...I promised myself to have it in text before the week is over. I feel like this one thing makes me a coward and makes things about me dark or frustrating or...well, I'm not really sure. I'm still trying to figure it all out. In order to stop it can't be a secret anymore that's the first step I guess you could say. Current Mood: chipper
05:41 pm This is going to be my last entry for awhile. I have so much homework. Exams and group projects and research papers all due on the same days and there's something huge due everyday. It's a little too overwhelming. When I graduated high school I was excited about getting to be seen as an individual in academics. I hated and I mean HATED group projects. Little did I know I would be doing more group projects this semester than I would in my entire high school career. I just really don't like that we pay all this money for tuition so we can go to a university that teaches us to be dependant on what other people are doing.
I went to Elizabethtown this weekend and tripped balls with Bobby and I loved it. I got orientation at Express tomorrow. I'm not at all excited. I hate retail...I hate restaurants...I hated working for the university...I hate trying to maintain bullshit jobs. I wish I already had a degree in something. My hair looks awesome brown... I miss my buddies. This entry is themed in complaints. Current Mood: stressed
Halloween was amazing. We got real sloshed and ran around a haunted house and Bobby introduced me to my new friend Dale and he's almost as amazing as Halloween. He has the cutest dog named princess and I'm going to buy her tons of dog outfits...(Dale almost bought her a coach collar today when we went shopping and that's when I decided that she needs clothes too). BUT I won't be able to afford much of anything any time soon...I need a job again...I got a bit too social this past weekend/week and I just never went back. I actually made a concious decision to not go to work/job hunt until Monday because there's another party and the gay bars. We were supposed to go out tonight but I have two exams tomorrow morning. I already fucked tonight up by drinking wine with Lacey. I didn't think I would get a buzz. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to study like this actually. hmmm. I'm going to stay up real late and.. "study." Tomorrow's Friday. I'm going to take a bucnh of tests dye my hair brown and (as bobby so often puts it) get crunk.
07:14 pm I'm updating too much...it might be because I get excited about things all the time now...and for some reason I have this weird habit of publishing my excitement on the internet...pffft ah well
Anyway, I just got done talking with Lacey and we were complaining about how lame the pay jobs are going to be for any kid before they get a college degree...how can one make decent money before hand without doing something illegal or having to be a genius...or both? her idea (which I'm still contemplating) is to put up our own site. She's in college for web design and Matt takes to photography really well. lacey signed with Suicide girls but is becoming disappointed with the consistency of the group (and her photographer). Around this time last year I applied with Godsgirls but when they showed interest I got intimidated and shied away. We also talked about how it would be easier to run a project where we call the shots. and I would feel more comfortable doing poses with Lacey because I know her plus, we'll be able to make our own sets and Matt isn't a creepy photographer which, according to lacey that's hard to come by. I was excited and then I felt uneasy because I felt like by doing this I'd offend some of my friends and family and then I thought about it, and I'd be wearing things that look like a swimsuit while everyone I'm close to has seen me naked already. And they probably wouldn't even look at it anyway. So, lacey and Matt came up with some genius promotion ideas and all I have to do is learn how to pose. (I'm going to have to tan more but I don't think my weight will be a problem I just need to maintain how my body looks now). I just hope that it's successful..like a lot of people I want to make money...good grades and look attractive while doing so.
in further news, the kitten(putie) got fat. Mike Jones? Current Mood: hopeful
09:44 pm Whew! I've been running since nine this morning and I'm supposed to be starting on a whole slew of shit for Appalachia class right now but I lack motivation. It's a whole bunch of stuff and it's due wednesday and I've had like...two weeks to do it all...haven't even looked at the assignment. It's getting to where all I do is go from major assignemnt to major assignment I don't want to get behiend...midterms always screw with me. Plus there's work which is fun but it seems like it's just more to juggle sometimes. Though, I met a girl there who's on a roller derby team and she asked me to join! I'm so stoked about it I always wanted to do roller derby but it's always looked intimidating especially if you're just approaching a group of people by yourself. I've always felt jealous when people would talk about being a part of something really cool like taking a tap dance class or when Ana was in the Latin club in high school and got to wear a toga...or when Catrina and Brice and Joseph were in show choir and got to do all those cheesy dance moves at talent shows. So yeah, I get to fly around on roller skates and slam into things!
well actually, that was me being really excited...I'm still contemplating whether or not I should join because of school and everything...my grades can't fall...I'll smash skulls.
I'm also really really REALLY excited about Halloween. I love it. Ahhh I love it sooo much. I want to go pick out pumpkins on Thursday and seriously, picking out pumkins is my favorite thing to do. I'm also still trying to think out a costume. Me and Bobby thought about being Lucy and Ricky Ricardo but now Bobby wants to be Jesus and for awhile I wanted to be Rainbow Brite but now I'm not so sure...I don't want to be something skanky anymore...every year I've been Madonna...or a cat. This year I want to be something original/really cool that doesn't involve fishnets. We're going to go to a Halloween party and something about Louisville both sound allright I don't really care as long as I get to wear my costume.
This weekend was...hm...it was ok. We went to Morehead and hung out with Bobby's brother and I did the weirdest thing...I drank beer and I liked it. I got really trashed off of killian's beer and ate a whole bunch of veggie burgers. Though, I'm tired of drinking. I think it would be nice to trip a little this weekend. Oh, but who knows I have to start this shit before midnight I don't want to be stuck with all of this thing untouched tomorrow night. As for the rest of the week it's probably going to go really nice because I'll be looking forward to Halloween the whole time. Current Mood: excited
05:01 am Okay so, when I finish a major assignment and am aware that I kicked ass at it I get pretty stoked about going to school the next day. Though...not so much anymore. It's not school that I'm starting to loathe...it's the walk from the car to the building. The weather doesn't even bother me much and the UK campus is beautiful especially in the fall. As I round the corner to the classroom building on north campus it's not unusual for me to hear yelling. It used to be just a not so uncommon thing but for the past two weeks the bastard is standing there "faithfully" every morning...waving the Bible in the air and sporting a T-shirt that says FEAR GOD! Now, yelling scripture out in public and threatening the world's condemnation to hell to everyone in ear shot doesn't really bother me I actually find it incredibly amusing I like sticking my tongue out at the old holy rollers or sporting my mean face when they approach me.
But this particular one has started to cross a lot of boundaries that I and what seems like the majority of the campus is not comfortable with. At first, when he called attractive students that walked by whores and that they were going to burn in hell for drawing attention to themselves I felt sorry for the man I thought he obviously was sexually frustrated. Standing around campus and taking his frustration out on young and beautiful people. But then one morning he yelled out and picked a boy out from the rest of the kids and said "I can see that look in your eyes me and Jesus, we know, we know you beat your meat, repent now or you'll burn in hell for it" the boy stood still looking at him completely puzzled. I looked around...is this some sort of joke?! Where are the cameras...this guy can't be serious. How is the university not doing something about this problem?
As the weeks have gone on the man will get in people's faces and wave his finger and scream into your face making some students run away crying. In my sociology class I heard that he went as far as spitting in a group of kids faces for defending themselves after he verbally assaulted them. Lately, he yells louder because groups of students surround him and argue with his beliefs and ask him to leave campus. The school newspaper even complained about him on the front page wondering why the university has not gotten rid of him.
I'm upset because while it is funny and amusing it's also threatening. One of the reasons why I go to a public university is to get away from trash like that. I don't like being threatened to eternal damnation that I don't even believe in every morning while preparing myself for a day of classes. I honestly feel like if god is all powerful and all good then evil wouldn't exist and if god has the power to get rid of evil then he/she is not all good and if he/she doesn't have the power to remove evil then he/she isn't all powerful. Some argue that god "allows" evil to exist to grant mankind free will. Though, why would god create a place like hell to damn creations eternally for not doing things the way society "planned." Though, if he/she was all powerful then he/she planned our fate? so wait...god's got the list of who goes and stays made up before we're created so wait...what free will again? When I take this into consideration I cannot help but wonder how in the HELL the Christian god could possibly be good.
Oh and another thing, if this god is all knowing and beyond human reason then he/she would have no problem much less damn eternally one of their own creations for doing such a petty and natural act like masturbating. I do believe in a higher being but I honestly don't think this god cares about girls dressing provocatively or is partial to any of western society's values in general.
Tomorrow if I see him I'm going to give it a chance...it is a public university and he does have a right to speak about his beliefs like everyone does- I completely respect this and think it's important for people to speak their views. BUT if I hear one offensive thing come out of that bastard's mouth directed at one of the students I'm going to go all out. I will contact campus I'll nag the dean I'll complain to the school newspaper I’ll take it to Lexington's local news station I'll get the Herald leader in on it I’ll call campus police. I want to do whatever it takes to get that creep away from these students. The things he's saying to us void out his right to be anywhere near an institution of knowledge. Tuition isn't cheap and we shouldn't have to try and find a way around north campus because we want to avoid what has become a blemish to the university and in many of our day to day lives. Current Mood: infuriated
08:09 pm Our porch is covered in windchimes (I love them) and though I hate cold weather I'm starting to love how the cold weather sounds. The afternoon is shining through the blinds and the boys sit outside making up songs to Matt's bango. It's funny sounding but the windchimes and their laughter accompanying their stupid songs about "hands" or "the brave little toaster" makes for an interesting back ground noise. Every now and again they'll come in wearing sweaters and scarves and Bobby will hug me and he smells like the cold. The cat's asleep in front of the window and the afternoon fades over her. Her ears twitch sometimes when they laugh outside.
I've been studying for my philosophy exam...I should still be studying. But I can't help but recognize those little moments where if you had a choice to be anywhere doing anything you would pick ezactly where you already are and the ezact same thing that you're already doing. It makes me feel like growing up isn't all that frustrating and I don't have to strugggle to make a home of my own anymore becuase it's already falling into place. All I've done is stress how temporary this situation is...and, while it is temporary, so is my entire life.
Right now I feel more beautiful and secure than I ever have. I can talk in front of class now without feeling shy or uneasy. I'm in love and I wouldn't be working toward a future in any other way. I have enough responsibility to learn that money isn't something to waste but still the same financial freedom to see it as just a number that doean't really mean all that much in the end. I like that my weekends don't end up at crowded parties anymore that I can simply get trashed and have more fun with the one person I prefer to hang out with anyway. While I do still miss everyone at home, I think the only way I could have really appreciated my life is to be seperated from them for awhile. Instead of hiding myself in their lives and interests because I was unhappy, I can finally just focus on myself. Current Mood: thoughtful
01:31 am Woooooooo!!! I am just completely reaming my sociology courses. 9 A's 60 kids I panicked again. hahahaha 105...hahahahaha. This is so much better than high school. Mrs. Turner was a lying bitch.
Anyway, Texas was random. Me and Bobby decided to go for my "fall break" which was really only a day because I only had friday off. They might as well of given us columbus day. (I never went anywhere that gave me that well I guess you would call it a holiday. Though I have a strange history of always skipping out on things on columbus day.) So we got to Texas and I finally got my truck and it works!! Then we went and saw Brice and Brittany and Greg and I was pretty anxious about it at the time because Brittany called us the night before panicking informing us that our Gregory had gotten arrested. I was scared that he would still be gone and I wouldn't get to see him but that certainly wasn't the case. Though he might not be too much of a stoner for too much longer becuase he'll probably get piss tested and have to deal with all that probation mess.
While we were there they convinced us to go to Afterlife with them which I wasn't too stoked about at first because I had planned on being home early to make mom happy but then again I was in freaking Texas. It was fun but I have to be honest I didn't dig DJ viscious that much so I only danced a little and on top of that the stuff we bought didn't work on me so Bobby ended up tripping and I was just sort of hanging out. It was a so-so time but I'll probably be back there for Thanksgiving and Chiristmas where I expect to have a freaking blast like this summer.
We also hung out with my mom (we made up by the way) she gave me a Dooney and Burke purse which shocked me because first of all, I just don't carry designer anything it always used to weird me out all the girls at school looked like little bill boards. But you bet I carry that thing now. I always thought my mom hated me and then out of nowhere she hands me three hundred dollars in bag form. When I first saw it I asked her if I could sell it on e-bay I was of course kidding there would have been no way I'd give up something that is proof that my mom might actually like me. But she honetly looked hurt and I had to convince her I was joking. This spurred conversation and we actually started talking like friends again and me her and Ryan even went shopping. And after that we picked up Bobby and all went to my dad's and they had beers and we all just joked around for a few hours- I didn't notice until afterward but that really meant a lot to me and it was definatley the highlight of my trip.
On the way back I made Bobby stop at the arboretum and he seemed more impressed than I thought he would be with it. I also plan on going back there for thanksgiving to see the colors change. I've always seen it when it's either really green or just really dead so it's time to switch it up. Our roadtrip back was lame up until we hit Arkansas. Aside from the "Texarkana twice as nice" water tower. Me and Bobby were in a fight over something dumb and we took a random exit in the middle of nowhere to get gas and then this little kitten ran in front of the truck and we almost hit her. When we got out of the truck she walked up to Bobby and didn't really care that we were picking her up and was somewhat talkative. She's also the cutest kitten I've ever seen. After that we completely dropped whatever we were arguing about and decided to take her with us. She's really smart we've already potty trained her and from the way she acts I think what we're feeding her is the first solid food she's ever had. We took her to a pet store and pretty much bought her toys and food and a blinging ass collar...needless to say she's already spoiled...we love her. I named her chloe but Bobby's made it to where she answers to Putie and Matt and Lacy named her Loyd. So yeah Putie Chloe Loyd...whatever she's great.
I have two take home exams one for Women's Studies and the other for Appalachian studies. I can't believe they're seriously making shit that easy for us...tests at home with books...20% of our grade on busy work?! Seriously, it's great so i better go get on that. Current Mood: giddy
06:55 pm I was having a pretty allright day. Didn't do much I've actually been working on homework all day.
Then my mom calls. And seriously every time she calls I hang up so angry and impressed at how much she can be a bitch. I just don't understand how someone can have the nerve to call up someone who they haven't heard of in weeks and for no reason at all go out of their way to be mean. I know there's two sides to an argument but I can't help but realize how wrong she is: 1.) She didn't pay to get my truck fixed that was money from the insurance company when my computer got stolen that was purchased with MY graduation money from relatives other than herself. 2.)How can I possibly be a burden to her when I rarely talk to her? The only time I do call is when I have something good to say. I even think it out hours beforehand "Hey mom, I made an A in sociology" "Hey mom, Happy Birthday how was your cruise?" 3.)My dad isn't as financially stable as her and Donnie are. But he does pay my cell phone bill and sends money whenever he can. He's not worthless...she's just a bitch. 4.) How the hell am I going to meet her in memphis in two days when I just got my job? And with what money? 5.) It's not right for her just to assume Bobby has nothing better to do than drive me around the country on the date she plans to meet me. When I tried to compromise with her she was just...a bitch.
Ah well. As she was yelling at me over the phone one of her chihiuahuas bit her and that seemed satisfactory. Though, she just started yelling at me more after the little shit bit her. Current Mood: annoyed
08:04 pm I can't help but get nervous when our tests get passed back. Or quizzes or essays or anything that leaves enough writing space for a teachers criticism. I hate how they write the amount of A's the class made at the beginning of the hour and then stand there smugly while they go onto their lecture just letting the tests sit there in front of us until the end. I can't pay attention to what they're saying there's time and money sitting in front of me on paper that's potentialy wasted if it's anything less than an A. At that point, who really cares about Machavelli or comparative polotics. And then the amount of A's on the board starts to burn into me. There are roughly 30 kids in here and it says 12 of those kids made A's thats close to half the class then. I studied for a fucking week and a half. But what if I should have studied for two whole weeks or three weeks or I should have just known it all walking in here on the first day...What if I'm one of the the 11 C's made? Would I even confide in anyone about it? Would I cry?
Then I start to claw at myself as though I'm itching. Then biting the nails. Sometimes I even chew up the cap of my pen. I have to know. I would give anything to jump up and grab my test and run away. He calls them out in alphabetical order. pffft typical. Thank god my last name doesn't begin with a z or w. Waiting- that's been my week so far. Though, it's starting to pay off. I haven't made less than an A yet. Sometimes I even get good job written at the bottom with a happy face like Mrs. Peebles did my junior year in high school. It makes me like school a lot more. Not only that but I'm getting to the point where I feel secure and not so worried about spending so much god damn money. I have a job now. I sell people tickets at the arts center on campus. It's easy and a like my manager a whole bunch. The loan went through on the rent and we got the check for my truck so now I'm no longer dependent on anyone and it feels REALLY good.
Bobby's best fiend Matt moved in with his wife Lacy from California. I have to say I was a little nervous when I first heard we were going to live with a girl we don't even know but now that she's here I wouldn't have it any other way she's adoreable and I love having her around. They make the apartment more fun. I feel like we're on one of those gay sitcoms that get cancelled after the first season. but anyway...blah blah blah I need to calm down and enjoy life I have a job and make good grades suck my dick.
09:46 am Everything is rather nuts...and tiring. Bobby decided to juggle this new job that starts at five in the morning. It's not really all that bad, though I don't have my car here yet so if I don't want to walk three miles down nicholasville road every morning to go to class we get to wake up at 4am together EVERY morning...It's wearing on both of us. We get about 4-5 hours of sleep a night tops plus I have homework to deal with and sometimes going to bed at 11 pm isn't an option but a luxury...so I really just don't sleep much. Actually, I really want to go to sleep now...It would really be nice just to get in an extra two hours...ah god...but I cant. I won't wake up and I'll miss class. and the loan is a big issue again since I refused to deal with it any longer and left it in mom's hands...there's really no telling what she's going to let things come to but at the same time, I would rather stress about her fucking it up than stress about me havig to deal with them myself.
A few days ago my uncle called i was happy that he was finally back but at the same time it made me want to be back in Texas worse than ever. I feel like the situation I'm in is getting more impossible for me to make good grades in school, I also feel cut off from my friends and family, and I feel worthless because I haven't been job hunting I've been dealing with classes and Bobby so if I needed to get a galon of gas or buy some groceries or hell, pick up the sunday paper...I couldn't I'm completely dependant right now. I feel terrible that Bobby's being ambushed with bills and I'm not helping him at all. I feel like the gas to drive me back and forth to school and then to pick him up at work is eating up all f his money I even feel weird about taking showers lateley...I mean, I don't even help with the water bill. Though, I tried to move out to a dorm so i could stay on campus and focus and he made it out to be like I was leaving him...it was a big dramatic ordeal...how can he not understand what I'm trying to do?
this whole entry is a downer and annoying to me and probably ridiculous to anyone who reads it but I need to get this out...I don't feel free and young and in college. I feel more tied down and older than ever. I get so frustrated with Bobby but I guess I made the decision to be with him so it really isn't his fault. This weekend we drove past one of the houses near the university and there were kids running around in the front yard mud wrestling. I wanted to jump out of the car and join them and I was actually surprised that I still even have those impulses to WANT to do something ridiclous. I'm tired of remembering Dallas and thinking back like that was the highlight of my life. That was a year ago I'm not old YET I want to start doing what I want again. I still want to finish my two last semesters here and I don't want to just plunge into doing whatever like the old days. Even back home things are no longer a party. You get sectioned off as well: you go away to college, you get pregnant and get married, you get pregnant and abandoned, you work up at Kroger, you join the army, you go to community college, or you do drugs.
Honestly, I'm okay with going away and not having to see everybody else leave instead. But I have people at home that I've made promises to and I don't care how silly or unusual Bobby or my paents might think it is, I'm going to do everything I can to be there for the people I love and though it might not be much help, do what's in my power to make sure they have a fair chance. Bobby asked what would possibly make me happy when we were arguing the othr day and I just figured it out. Seeing that my friends end up okay and not abandoning them and going through life with regret, that would make me most happy. And no, this isn't me trying to latch on to old memories and avoid growing up. I love going to school and I don't plan on stopping and I love having fun but changes from "the old days"- I'm fine with. But making promises and knowing people are counting on you and leaving them to wait...or even worse forget that I won't do.
So, long story short I will obviously always view Kentucky as temporary and I have a lot of plans for when I go home and hopefully i won't be too late. Current Mood: tired
I had no idea what I was missing out on! Why the hell would I ever want to be a journalism major? Ugh. Now I get women's studies and sociology and philosophy.... and that class... about appalachia. I like taking a bunch of random shit that doesn't fall into the basics category(and has nothing to do with journalism). I got a second interview at Bed Bath & beyond...if it falls through I'm done with the whole job searching thing. Not really. Typing that just makes me feel better. Like I have a choice. I might just end up working the drive thru at Taco bell...they're hiring...gross. So is Wendy's...and Burger King and Papa John's. Just if you're desperate in Lexington Kentucky and happen to be reading this.
Nah, i also have an interview on campus where I would sit at a ticket booth and sale tickets. hm yeah. i really hope this bed bath and beyond thing works out. Homework and study hours are going to start building up/kicking my ass and I really won't have time to go job searching everyday.
I really have nothing to talk about. I'm procrastinating for a little while. All I ever do is study. Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: advanced- marcel woods
01:48 am So I just got all the reading for my women's studies class done...it's almost 2am. Yeah, it's friday night...crazy.
A lot of random things are on my mind so I'm going to get it all out post it and then try and actually solve the problems instead of just rant post and ignore.
-I think I offended one of my friends on here pretty bad. She read one of my rants and responded showing that she was pretty offended about some of my ideas. Honestly, all this silly online thing is for is me typing out my ideas reading them over and trying to better solve things for myslef...or in most cases just to rant. I don't judge anyone else according to those off the wall ideas...I can't even figure out everything for myself much less put expectations on how other people should live. But anyway, Hermingham I'm sorry I responded in anger as well and I couldn't be more excited to see a mini Hessica here soon.
-I'm tired of drinking vodka in mixed drinks. It makes me gag. I don't want to drink it anymore. I don't care if it's a weekend I'm sick of making excuses to drink something that tastes terrible every time.
-I'm going to grad school. hah yeah right not now....psh I'm a sophomore. But seriously, that's what I'm going to work toward...and I'm going to be a head doctor!!! kidding...ok, not really I'm actually serious...
-I confided in Bobby about how vain I really am. I've never told anyone how I really feel about myself appearence, etc. The outside world would never have guessed but I've got a pretty big head. And you know, he brought me down to earth called me a douche and pointed out that there's more to life than just liking ones self. So I'm going to work on that too.
-The reason why I want to go to grad school is because it puts off my loans another four years...If I have a master's in something cool I'll have a better chance at a career so I won't have to just leave my mom with all that financial burden.
-Yeah, I read her journal again. I can't help it. I like her. I always have from the moment I felt guilty from doing what I did in the first place. I felt some kind of resentment I thought she was stupid...and i told bobby about it and he said it's probably becuase we're too alike. What's weird is before I read it i woke up the other morning really upset. I just laid there staring at the ceiling wondering why he kissed chad's ex when she was in david's house and I was with him and then that ugly emily girl and then jade...and then his best friend's girlfriend...and the hitting and Neely and some bitch named Melissa and the list of high school bullshit just went on...and on. Did I ever even know the guy? Did we ever have an intelligent conversation about ANYTHING at all?! I can recall one time we sat in my truck and listened to Jimmi Hendrix and he went on and on about the guy and that was it. Three years. A bunch of random bitches and Jimmi Hendrix. I DONT WANT TO TALK TO HIM AGAIN. I never knew him anyway at this point we're complete different people the only thing that we ever had in common was mesquite and I don't even live there anymore. Over a year ago when he was first with her he made it out to be like he didn't care for her much he said he still loved me. He was all i knew. I didn't know anything about the girl and I could'nt give a fuck less about anyone who stood in my way at the time- I thought I was in love. I don't care if it's sick. I don't regret doing it. If it hadn't involved me he would have never gotten caught. Not only cheating but the extent of his lies. I don't want to be in her entries anymore. Before that morning he hadn't crossed my mind for a long time and I don't want to have allthose negative thoughts again. It's been over a year...
-My best friends inthe whole world think that I'm coming back to Texas to go to school. We talked about apartments...we were all excited. They don't know that when I went back to Kentucky I re-enrolled in college. They thought I was "just visiting" Bobby. You know, take a road trip for a few weeks party it up have a whole bunch of sex trip balls then come home. The "Hey..where are you?" calls by eveyone have ceased now I'm pretty sure they know. I wasn't even there to tell Catrina bye when she went back to Florida. I'm a bad friend. It's not that I was trying to lie to them I just don't like saying bye over and over. When I do that I just want to go back. And I want to finish what i started here...I feel like they might not understand. I want to find a way to make it up to everyone.
-I was really mad at James for awhile. We just made up and I feel so much better...I want to work on all the problems above. I like this...not letting shit eat at me stuff. Current Mood: tired
06:55 pm Up until recently I didn't understand people who don't at least try drugs. This probably looks incredibly tacky to whoever might read it...
But serioulsy. And no, it's never been my life and it never has taken a lot of my free time. Though the experiences I had with tripping were something I'll always take to heart. I like seeing the whole world all jumbled up. I like not having to tear it apart I like it melting before me in one big economical mesquite suburbian american dream joke. I don't even have to try to laugh it comes so fast that hours pass and I still can't stop laughing. Visits to Wal-mart on acid or acid-like substnaces turn into a circus of bright neon packaged products. The patterns dance the cartoon charcters to attract small children turn into minature horror movies and none of the directions on the packages make sense and come to think of it the actual beautiful breathing little neon packaged product of what ever the fuck it might be at 3am in the cosmetics aisle of wal-mart no longer makes sense. the flouresecnt lights are merciless and they reveal everything and for some reason the whole store is just hillarious and delightful but scary and unapproachable like when you see a circus clown for the first time as a child.
To some, what I just wrote proabably seems flat stupid. And you might be right. But what do I and the majority of my friends and aquantences really have to look forward to in life?
Sure, some of us go to college and even graduate school and we work our asses off and get careers and we get married and we have children and then we make our children go to school and get jobs and in this process they'll end up hating us and we'll grow apart form our spouses and get divorced and during all that we'll live in some suburban nowhere made to raise babies and then die so they can then raise their babies. Sure, we might have cool cars and a career to make us happy for a decade or so but it's all lost eventually and every time someone falls or fails it seems to be so overlooked and that's seen as normal...Why not have a good mind fuck every now and again? If you get off by feeling scared it beats any horror movie if you like to know your surroundings why not see your entire life broken apart into little fucking pieces to the point where it's no longer recognizeable...to the point where you realize that either way not much really mattered. I mean, why not look at something and see it for what it is and no longer attach it to all the stupid symbols and crutches that our personalities are based on.
I've recognized two groups The people who wait to die- baby makers, (our parents), suburban households, obidient citizens, etc. And the people who kill themselves- the kids at the club who will eat ecstacy like tylenol on a tuesday night, heroine addicts, snorting cocaine for breakfast, etc.
Today I was sitting in class and I came to this conclusion: I've seen both worlds and I find both equally disgusting. I want nothing to do with either. I don't mind working toward a career- but that's not what i want to be about. I like learning and I'm already getting a pretty good appretiation for college but I want to do things my own way. I'm not so sure how I want to accomplish this yet.
She kept talking about loan information and the Dean's office and tomorrow morning and just take out the loans and just pay the interest and the journalism office and she's got 2 other mouths to feed and Texas and Kentucky blah blah blah blah and i would try to talk and just blah blah fucking blah. Does she even care? Well, she did make the phone call but still blah blah blah I couldn't even get a word in to ask. "Well what about..." And she would cut in again August 22 and it was already approved and 800 number tomorrow but first things first ...the dean's office and anti depressence. So I broke down and told my mom how I really felt about her...about everything.
And when we hung up we seemed to make up. At the same time, she ended the conversation with the same bullshit she started with. It's like I hadn't even said anything at all. I know what I apparently have to do now...
And I started crying and I thought of all the people who have to deal with things 20 times worse than me daily and it didn't make me feel guilty for crying anymore and for some reason i just didn't stop this time.
So I tried to cheer myself up...I put on some old techno songs and sat there...it wasnt working. So then I closed my eyes as tight as I could and imagined myslef at the club. I thought of Greg dancing around in his pajama pants and the bubble bounces and me and Catrina all dressed up. I started to stomp. Yeah, I know.
All by myself. I opened my eyes I walked into the bedroom and started "stomping" in the mirror to the music. I busted out laughing but I didn't stop. Crying..or stomping ...or laughing.
yeah...when he found out that I returned to Texas after florida with no intention of ever going back to Kentucky he jumped in his car and drove 14 hours to get me. Where he then spent a week and a half in Mesquite Texas meeting my father and grandparents and catering to my mother's shopping trips while I was not present (Instead me and my father spent the afternoon betting money on racing dogs and horses).
hah...all of the above is true but we had fun also. We tripped with my Brice Ward and ran through creek crossing in the dark. I honestly couldn't stop laughing it seems the two get along well now..though he didnt really trip and we got trashed with dr. Ward though I didn't drink...(Afterlife...was interesting)And we all took the little shit to I-HOP too becuase there aren't any in kentucky yet. And when it was time for him to go home I packed my things and we took a road trip to Kentucky and now I'm eating mashed potatoes and he's in the bathtub and we have to grow up now...just like every entry in this past 8 months and every single realization I've ever had. I hope the bath has bubbles.
And I'm looking up loan information. I don't want to just quit the university. I had a horrible year. A lot of people have those I guess...I don't want to give it all up that fast. Yes, I hate school. But I'm not going to be poor. I hate journalism so I'm switching everything up. I can't ditch school and I'm not ready to run home like a pussy yet.
And the beach was amazing. I'm going to buy a bike. Current Mood: happy Current Music: don't panic- coldplay
Because I have to go to my grandpa's funeral...and then Florida with the family so that kinda sucks/is exciting.
When I got robbed at gun point they stole my driver's license so I had to get a new one and to be honest I was really excited becuase I wanted to be those select few people who have a good driver's license picture. Well, I just got it in the mail and I forgot that I got the picture taken when I decided to dye my eyebrows red and...I look pretty damn stupid. I look dumber than my old license where I had long plain hippie hair like marsha brady.
I'm starting to come out and be myself again. Especially since I'm home. I actually ate when I got here...my arms look like twigs there's something about that place. It just didn't make sense to put anything into my body if it wasn't going to fuck me up or give me a thrill. I don't think I can deal with life there. I don't think I can deal with Bobby either. James said we were "The blind leading the blind." Those kind of cliches piss me off. But what makes me more mad is that he's right. We're both nuts and in our early 20's with emotional problems...all we do is hurt each other. In the most mundane ways too. I'm still lost on what to do but I really only have two options: -Dorm room, continue college in Kentucky have my truck and that job at pier one -apartmnet in Dallas with brice and Greg where I'll have to find a job and go to college...which will probably be more work for right now but in the long run I'll have less college loans and no Bobby looming about trying to change my mind.
I've never loved someone the way I love Bobby and that makes me sad...Though, I'm not hysterical and I don't feel lost like when I lost my first love. More, I feel like what I'm doing is selfless for the relationship becuase we'll both be better without each other. Plus, this past week has been so painful I really have no other choice but to let go.
Well anyway, no one knows I'm in Texas yet so I'm going to go around surprising people and keeping up this front that I'm not sad about leaving Bobby.
04:35 pm I sleep curled up like a little fetus...ha. I want to curl up like that tonight for the last time. I want to reflect on my old life that has been reduced to a collage in a closet and I want to feel my knees on my chin. I want to stop breathing. I want everything to take me over all at once and for the first time rest in bliss knowing that I won't be held responsible anymore. I want to know that the world will forget about me in days and things will carry on as usual. And people will feel all the pain and beauty I felt over and over and over. And then some won't be able to take it and then they'll be forgotten about just like me. And they won't mind. The type of rest is just so inviting...just so...free.
I've spent the last few days with Bobby and Missy. It's strange but...I'm actually having fun here. The new apartment is beautiful AND huge. (enormous patio and bathrooms...oh oh! and closetss!!!) Well, compared to the old days at Jewell hall and press avenue. They seem to spend a lot of time at the pool sipping beers and being drunk by the afternoon. It's comical to watch and I have definatley become accustomed to this lifestyle and am nothing but excited that the three of us will live here together this year. As of right now the plan is to move to Costa Masa California when the lease is up. In the past when Bobby brought up California I always thought he was just dreaming out loud but now that he has a job to transfer to and I hate college life in Kentucky anyway it's actually starting to make sense. I really haven't been this excited in a long time...but a part of me is really nervous and upset. The more I think about it the more unreachable Dallas is becoming. What about my family and my best friends and the sense of freedom they've always given me? It's eveything I love and I just don't think I'm going to handle being pushed away from that all too well. Here, Bobby is my family and I have freinds but compared to home they're just not the same. And I know that when Bobby comforts me about this he's probably right how can I ever be happy if I don't see what else is out there. So many people only stick with what they know and then regret their decision when it's too late. So yeah...constant indeciseness...either way, I know I'll end up back with them someday it might just be delayed. I wonder what they would do in this situation. I think they would probably go see things for themselves first. I mean really, who wouldn't?
Further news in Kentucky: It's my birthday!!! He has a surprise for me...though he already informed me what it was so yay! Well, maybe it isn't a surprise but it was at one time... I got skinny again from all the partying and fuss in Dallas so Bobby keeps making me eat all sorts of things and I feel sick. Norbert died. We have yet to bury him. I miss him. I'm about to unpack and make this place look gorgeous Current Mood: surprised
11:15 am Two nights ago I sat with a boy and listened to his whole story. This past December he woke up one morning and forgot 16 years of his life. From what he remebered he had no real relationship with his parents or even knew them that well. He had no childhood complexes or bad memories. He had showed full appreciation for what we would think the silliest most cliche things. Like standing in the rain or laughter or grass. I felt jealous. He was one of the most mellow and relaxed people I have ever come across. He was one of the smartest boys I knew of in high school especially in math, now it doesn't come to him easily and he didnt seem bothered at all by it he was just...happy.
I started to think of my life. I wanted it to go away. How the fuck could he be so happy? He felt real with anything in any situation and at the time it seemed imossible for me to go about that. I started to think of all the people I've hurt in the process of getting well, nowhere. All the people that I love seemed to be the same as the hurt. I tried to bring everything back to life. I jumped to fix everything with everyone. And suprisingly a lot of it worked. And sadly, some of it didn't.
I told my mother everything. We spent the day together. I told the love of my life everything. He didn't believe me. At first I realized that I was at fault and I felt devestated, even lost. Then it seemed like maybe it would be better to let him go if he really isn't that happy.
Yesterday we stood at a petting zoo and for the first time in years my life didn't feel like a bad trip on dxm. I didn't force laughter to reassure my mother that I was ok. I just laughed. The baby goats and the excitemnet when the ducklings would scatter in every direction and when the pigs would run around like puppies. And there we were me mom and my brothers standing at a petting zoo like a normal goofy family. I was laughing with my mother and cody stuck his arm through the fence to touch a goat and ryan ran about trying to poke them with things.
We're complete jerks. But we love each other. All this time I felt like I was worthless if I didn't pull someone else in the picture to love me. They loved me all along. I had to realize this on my own to get anywhere. Yeah I know a year of college and two jobs later, I still haven't gotten anywhere. And at first I felt like that without the person that I'm in love with I just can't do anything on my own. Now I see that maybe I have to do life on my own to know that I can properly be with someone. A lot of people do it backwards, but maybe I have to do things the old fashioned way.
I don't feel so cut off anymore. Like at my cousin's wedding the other day. We're two weeks apart she's married now we used to be so close and now there's years and years pushing us apart. I was happy for her...but sad. Things don't have to be that way. I don't have to be pushy but not so passive either.
I realized that when I am myself, I like the effect I have on people. I like opening up with them. Closing myslef off is not only painful but it makes no sense.
good: -Catrina -vegging out with Ryan -afterlife and dancing -tripping with brice and brittany...and then I went to the dentist! -Denton party -club one -making appearnces in my mime suit with brice -techno aerobics! -Snocones and Burberry time with Joseph -driving toward the sky line at night -Sarah's high rise apartment...malibu rum
fucking lame: -Catrina had to leave for college early -Wisdom teeth still need to be out... -Cops cornered us at barnes bridge and hit on me while we were tripping balls -Got robbed at gunpoint after club one -cocaine is bad... -James is not a good idea... -I miss Bobby and I want to go back now
Looking forward to: -Carolann's wedding -MSI concert -Dj venom at afterlife -Bobby -The beach with my family
I am so tired. Listing off shit will have to do for now. Current Mood: drained Current Music: my humps
02:31 am I decided to take a walk before it got dark the other day. The weather was going all crazy it was really hot out but there was a lot of breeze and it was about to thunder storm so lightening was randomly sparking throughout the sky. I was frustrated because I had just gotten in a fight with Bobby and I wanted to be home for the summer already and have a decent job and not have to go back to college in Kentucky for another semester. I just got so angry of the thought of always having to attach myself to other people and just skim by my standards when all I ever wanted was to accomplish things on my own. He wants a house and a dog and for us to go out to eat every night and have a set bedtime and take weekend trips to the beach like we're married. And really, that's more than any guy has ever offered in my favor. It's nice and that's his dream and he's working to accomplish it...but what about me. I'm 20. I don't like the college life and the married life doesnt seem right for me either... at least not now. I want my own place and to focus on bulding my own career and so what I might want to go party on weeknights every now and then or have a little too much to drink when it doesnt seem neccessary. I don't even like eating that much...especially in public. I feel like the more he stresses that I don't make enough effort to accomplish "our" goals and the amount of dishonesty between us at this point in time is trapping me. All of this is going through my head so it takes a few blocks until I notice how good the weather feels. What if I just gave it all up tonight? If I kept walking and forgot about everything I need to fix and everyone that seems to weigh me down and I just started from nothing. Would I wake up a year later in regret and wonder what would have happened if I had just stayed and struggled and stuck everything out. Or would I look back on who I am now and laugh and thank god that I got away. And I start to look over at all the rent houses with the big comfortable porches and all the college kids sitting outside on the steps and porch swings every now and then I'd pass a group with a guitar or smell a tad bit of weed in the air or notice the ungodly amount of old people walking their dogs. Every few feet I could hear a different conversation or laughter coming from the open windows. This was...nice. I passed all the houses and I walked past the train tracks and through parking lots and store fronts and the sun started to go down and the thunder and lightening got more persistent and the wind blew harder and my hair kept flying in every direction. Why don't I deserve to be happy? Why do I work this hard and automatically accept that I will never have my own life? I'm not pregnant. Or married. Or a convict. I don't have a religon to follow. My parents no longer dictate my life. This is all me.
06:42 pm - sssoooo booorreeddd I hate waiting. I hate that my parents can be more indecisive than me which results in me still not having a plane ticket. I hate this apartment. I hate finding porn on bobby's computer. I hate that I watch the porn and automatically see why he would like it becuase her tits look awful nice. I hate that I like porn too. I hate going to the pool alone becuase my friends here are too lame to want to swim or back in their hometowns with their own lives. I hate that I don't have a job because I'm leaving to Dallas for a month. I hate that Bobby yells at me and I hate yelling back.
I like that I'll be home in a matter of days. I like that I got a computer on my own plus it's the cutest little thing I've ever seen. I like that I might get a bus ticket instead of a plane ticket becuase I hate airports and prefer bus rides becuase they're longer and seem more adventerous and have funnier looking people on them. I like Jenna Jameson's monster tits. I like my hamster, Norbert but he pisses too much.
Current Mood: bored Current Music: I know I know I know- Tegan and Sara
Today, I'm going to go grocery shopping, and then go buy old plates and throw them down on the ground and break them into pieces where I will then take this awesome tile grout that I'm about to go buy at Micheal's and make Brice a birthday mosaic. (and Catrina a late birthday one) This will all take place after I call pushy sales lady about the new apartment, look into financing shit at best buy, and possibly fill out more job applications for no particular reason at all. I might even go lay in the tanning bed and then coax Travis into going to the Pita Pitt with me. All while Bobby is at work. Current Mood: creative Current Music: where'd you go?- fort minor
Anti depressants seem to work for a whole slew of people. That's rght. SLEWS of them. As for me, I had to stop. The medical center told me I'd go through "bad phases" and just to "ride it out" and my life would then magically amount to everything and I would be a happy fun loving Autumn. They didn't tell me what these "bad phases" consisted of...
In the past two weeks I have had the most random waves of paranoia where I flip out and scream and act angry and talk all hateful about everything and the only person there left to deal with it is Bobby. I throw phones and obsessivley check the caller ID I accuse him of doing the most crazy awful things if he even picks up the phone to do something so harmless as calling his mom. I pack all my things and tell him how much I hate his stupid face and I want to move away all by myself and never see him again. At the time, what I was doing made perfect sense in my head and I was taking out all the shit that happened to me in the past from Alan and Donnie on him. I felt like he was a boy just like they were so what the fuck made him any different? I finally called my mom and told her about it. But I called her during a flip out and she said from what she heard and how Bobby was being treated the medication was fucking me all around and I wasn't the same.
So yeah...here I am, no longer medicated. I've only had one major flip out while off of Lexapro and that was yesterday. We were getting out of the car to go into the mall and I got really upset and made him take me home. Where I then "rode it out," cried, listened to one of Bobby's pep talks and we went back to the mall so he could prove that things weren't so bad. And strangers don't care about anyone but themselves so no one was ever looking at us.
Conclusion about medication: Until I'm standing over a bridge about to jump I think I'm better off "riding it out."
I know...I sound like a wreck from what I just wrote above but actually, I'm making quite a bit of progress.
I have this new hobby where I apply to jobs and go to interviews and have multiple jobs at once that I randomly attend. I shouldn't even be job hunting yet I'm leaving for Dallas for 3 weeks anything I have now I'll lose by time I come back though Hollister is pretty fun. I get bored while Bobby is at work. Oh yeah he got that job that pays like 2 grand a month so we're definatly getting that two bedroom apartment. He's going to be gone a lot working and whatnot and I got a little sad at first but I mean, we live together sleep together eat argue all day everyday it'll be nice to have a little time to ourselves. When I get back I'm going to use his same temp agency so I can dress up and go to work and be a receptionist or something cool that doesnt involve retail and actually pays.
School...hahahahahaha. I'm not taking summer classes. I'm not doing anything school related until August. Good or bad?
Annddd Dallas...I'm so excited...no really, just thinking about it makes me feel like I'm rolling. I don't even want the rolls I want Catrina, Brice, Greg, Brittany, Joseph and Hessica Hermingham just like last summer. I'll be fucked up for a few days though to get out these wisdom teeth who knows what kind of pain killers I'll get...that way we won't have to swipe them while Hoseph's poor grandma isn't looking like the old days.
I've been eating full meals every day since December. (when I moved in with Bobby) I know looks are just an appearence and taking pleasure in something so shallow is pathetic BUT
I've gained weight. My mind fed into anorexia when I'd get paranoid about getting fat. I would probably choose a type of cancer over someone pointing out that I packed on pounds. What I didn't know is me gaining weight doesnt consist of looing like those orange girls with blond highlights and stretched out Hollister tanktops in an attempt to conceal their enormous beer guts...kind of like the girls I went to high school with. I always thought big boobs meant stretched out dinner plate nipples and a big ass was nice until one took off their pants and revealed lumps of cellulite.
We have this really awesome full length rod iron mirrior in the apartment...I can't stop checking myself out (plus, I'm tan now...not orange or red or white or blue...TAN). If I knew that my stomach stayed flat and my breasts still are the best I've ever seen and yes, I can look awesome in jeans and when I take them off it just gets better then I probably would have been so hott in high school. I have grown so conceited that I get sad looking at myself becuase I know I won't look this great when I hit 30 without paying for it. I actually haven't been this satisfied with anything and the fact that it's me that I like looking at that much is so weird...I'm almost 20 years old and this is the first time I would choose my body over anything else.
I can't even have sex without thinking about how awesome it would be to have sex with me. Current Mood: excited Current Music: People typing...shhh...
03:31 pm All of my things are officially moved out of Jewell hall. ::excitement:: I currently have 6 jobs right now: Abercrombie, Hollister, Limited Too, Wet Seal, Bath & Body works and Pac Sun. School's out...back to retail. So far I think I'm going to keep Wet seal(40% discount) and Hollister (overnight shifts. I love night shifts.) Or I could go all out and call up one of these full time day care jobs in the newspaper. Gross. Money. But still...gross. I decided I'm staying in school. AND that I will continue attending school in Kentucky...It's upsetting. At this point I don't think I can handle moving everything across country and Catrina's leaving to Florida (And my tanning membership doesn't run out until June)in a few weeks plus the only thing for me there seems to be clubs and head drugs. And...yeah right. I pretty much have to fucking grow up now.
I plan on coming back before Trina leaves Texas for at least a little while and...I'm plotting to get my little brother up to Kentucky with me. Not only is he in high school with a bunch of douchebags Donnie is flat making him hate his life and honestly, I had to grow up living like that and I don't ever want Ryan to have to go through it. Me and Bobby have been out looking at 2 bedroom apartments one with a heated indoor pool and an office for our new computer that's upstairs so we wont get robbed for the third time. Plus, I'll be considered a resident of the state this fall so no ridiclous loans and the meds are helping see how chatty I'm being? I even get orgasims now.
Though, I still get pretty annoyed. Like right now. I'm sitting in the library with Bobby and he's telling me how gay livejournal is. So who cares if it's gay. He says it's for kids who cut themselves. possibly.
Anyway, I'm starting to realize how stupid our arguments are. Like when we take showers one of us gets all pissy if the other stands under the water too lng or when I get an attitude when we play Barbies and he insists on being the one i want to be or when I eat all his Mcdonadld's french fries. We even argue about our pets. Thing is, we don't even have any pets.
A: “If we get a dog I want to name it Kyle!" B: "Ok, but it has to be a girl." A: "No I want a boy." B: "No, it needs to be a girl so when we call it and say KYLE! it will throw people off." A: "Boy." B: "It's little pink penis will stick to your jeans." A: "English bulldog." B: "Pitt bull." A: "We’re going to see Catrina May 27th" B:"I don't think my p.o. will let me with such short notice." A: "You are a fucking dick, I hate you!"
The apartment is flooding! My feet are up on the sofa where we've put all the other electronics because the carpet is soaked. Water keeps coming out of the sink and bubbling over to the floor. hahahaa. woooo! fuuccckkk.
I have so much shit to do. Finals and english bullshit that I've put off until the last minute. Bobby just failed communications. He sat through two presentations the professor called his name he got nervous and walked out. We stayed up all night working on that damn powerpoint too. Ah well, he wants to go to beauty school anyway.
ah god hahahaa. At least we have each other? ...and an abundance of soaked towels? ...and fucked GPAs? AND medication!
Honestly, I don't mind any of it. A few more weeks until Texas, my lovers, bobby's beauty school, new jobs, a different university and a new car (the water is pouring in the living room right now)
Bobby's back with the forties and we're off to avoid all responsibility and spend the rest of the afternoon in the cemetery. ciao. Current Mood: chipper Current Music: our waterfall in the kitchen sink!
07:33 pm I like going to Elizabethtown on the weekends. When Bobby starts in about so and so's house or the times he wrecked a something or other as we're driving down the country backroads I'm honestly very humored by all of it. How the fuck could the same group of people have lived in a place this small for their entire lives? What's so great about this place anyway? "There's nothing all that great about it actually, it's like quicksand...a love hate." He says. I see, I've had quite a few of those. "Why do you miss it then?" "It's comfortable." He says. Now at first, I didn't believe him. I pretty much thought this lame truck stop of a town is all this poor kid knows. Our first weekend there it soon came to my attention that there's no actual time concept...no rushing everything is the same distance from anything else anyway. And I ran through creeks and through the mud and busted my ass in a river and ruined my favorite dress and there wasnly an old pair of boxers in the car and that's when I got to meet his entire extended family. In blue polk-a-dotted boxers with muddy legs. All the houses had basements and all the kids our age had the same stories so I decided I didn't want to leave last Sunday. We actually didn't go back to Lexington until Wednesday. The next weekend we decided to go back but this time me and Bobby had this genius idea to trip mushrooms. Now, I've never tripped anything aside from triple C's and I felt entirely comfotable in this Elizabethtown country place so I was pretty excited... Though, I didn't take into consideration that a group of people I'd never met before in my life would be there and when we first got there the apartment was full of "Oh Bobby remeber that time when you were so twacked you..." or "I can't believe you said that to so and so's mom three years ago.." So like, I've just shoved this chocolate into my mouth that is supposed to contain mushrooms Bobby just devoured four of them which is more than anyone's ever done there and needless to say I'm in a pretty awkward situation. If it counldn't get worse his friend i like "Oh yeah, those aren't mushrooms those are actually a substance called 2CI, but you'll trip either way if not harder so I knew you guys wouldn't mind..." Fuck fuck fuck fuckfuckfuck fuck fuck. What the fuck did I just eat? What the fuck is a 2CI?! FUCK..should I throw this up? Bobby is about to piss himself becuase well, he just ate four and I'm already starting to see fetuses form in the wood grain paneling of the apartment. It made me somewhat curious so I accepted the fact that we'd just have to ride it out. I spent the majority of the night outside watching the trees move their branches into monster type faces, the grass growing inches and inches higher right before my eyes and tracing back my life problems as a pattern of women on my mother's side who let themselves be vulnerable and abused by men so then I decided I didn't want to love Bobby anymore and I informed him and I ruined his trip and he said I'd always be safe with him and I said that I didn't believe him but I'd stick around anyway becuase all and all he's a pretty cool guy. And that was our conclusion. Aside from my random freakouts about the past, paranoia from the group of fucks I didn't even know, and my trying to scrub my face off when I saw my reflection in the bathroom mirrior I had a pretty decent experience aside from the circumstances. Current Mood: content
06:29 pm Started on happy meds today...Lexapro. Thing is, I'm not happy yet. Though, it's only been 6 hours.
During this time I've become incredibly irritable to touch. I got so queasy when Bobby tried to take a shower with me I had to go in the other room. When something penetrates my vagina it feels funny. I actually laugh. There's no more of that feel good fuck me kind of feeling anymore. Same goes with eating. I won't even drink. I pretty much don't want anything entering my body at all.
I keep talking about Bob Saget and asking Bobby if he had kids and if he did I bet he spanked them. Not just that "Doing this hurts me worse" kind of spanking I bet Bob Saget full out unleashed on their asses. Then I wondered if he ever worked at a fast food resteraunt. Bobby finds my new Bob Saget theories disturbing. I've had a lot more this afternoon but I prefer not to go on about it.
When I dropped him off at work I felt scared. I actually had no desire to be alone and at the same time I didn't want to bother with trying to find the company of someone else. It made so much sense at the time I'm used to Bobby anything that could possibly annoy me about him already has. So I tried to talk him out of going. Then I felt bad so I went ahead and told him to go but I was hesitant about the whole thing.
So I drove through downtown Lexinton all queer blaring fuck me on the dance floor and wearing those huge sunglasses that all the orange bitches have in People Magazine. And I saw the cemetery. And, again, it made so much sense at the time so I made a real sharp left turn I drove in circles past all the dead Luby's and Whitefield's and Thompson's. Finally, I parked and threw off all the unecessary accessories there goes my sandals...sunglasses...earrings...I even tore off my underwear it was just too uncomfortable. And I lay there in a sunny spot right next to Teddy Mansfield and his gawdy Jesus lover cross and Jessica Turner and her simple gray slab of a tombstone that's barley readable. I put my face to the sky and I let all the little creatures take me in. I could feel them across the back of my legs and weaving up from my palms through my fingers. The trees reaching up to what seems like an endless sky from my angle to a god no one can seem to figure out. I wanted it to be all over right there. Things aren't so simple. And instead of feeling like I had some new realization to fuel sonme sort of drastic life change I was about to make I just understood. I just realized that I wasn't too thrilled about life and taking a part of it. Hah, too bad, right?
So I stood up and I walked through all the names all the stories all sorts of silly forgotten things that don't even amount to shit anyway. And They...they're dead. I'll get there. For now, I'm Autumn. Current Mood: optimistic Current Music: Delicate- Damien Rice
I'm starting hate a lot of things about myself. The good part... It can all be fixed.
Something good comes from being an empty shell, you can change to your advantage without looking back or thinking too hard about it and after awhile you'll still have the memories but they won't even be inviting anymore becuase you're already onto something new and more exciting.
Today, I'm going to reinvent myself. pffft again. I know, I played a lot of roles...I've been invisible I've been submissive I've been beautiful and thoughtless I've been a voice of reason I've been mentally insane I've hugged trees Questioned everything kissed everyone questioned god laughed at existence I've been a dreamer(and probably always will) I've gotten everythng I thought I wanted I've been the center of attention I've been the butt of everyone's jokes I've been my own secret and written my own past and was the voice for people who refused to speak. Everything is subject to change. We're not here for long. Why stick with something if it isn't even working for you? Change it up...destroy it...fuck up worse than you ever imagined just to say you started from zero. Builed yourself up and be all the things you said you never were going to be. Why not? ...just look at Oprah...